Thursday, June 01, 2006

Solitaire

You think of me as a cluster;
no unique flavour or scent, rather
a bouquet of random limbs,
an indiscriminate gathering of lips.

I will not be a grain upon a beach
of grains, however bright the glitter.
I will not be another star of white
upon frozen fields.

I would rather remain the moon,
singular, no matter how distant.

6 Comments:

Blogger Alan said...

I think of you as a gathering
of special flavours and cherished scents,
of limbs that envelop a secret bouquet,
and lips moist with the signature of pleasure.

You could not be a grain upon a beach
of grains if you tried. Your star shines
beyond the limits of perception. The unnamed colours
in the aura of the moon are your next words.

You are singular,
but always twinned in my dimension.
-----
You are writing some lovely stuff at present Moon, like effortless doodles. I keep thinking you must be shaping up a block-buster in the background and can't wait to be blown away.

If you are open to suggestions, I would replace the full-stop in Line 1 with a colon and drop the "but" from the second line.

Less important, but twinkle seems to go with the star better than the grains so maybe put a full stop after grains and a comma after twinkle.

Last but not least, how are you?

A

8:48 AM  
Blogger Alan said...

I think of you as a gathering
of special flavours and cherished scents,
of limbs that envelop a secret bouquet,
and lips moist with the signature of pleasure.

You could not be a grain upon a beach
of grains if you tried. Your star shines
beyond the limits of perception. The unnamed colours
in the aura of the moon are your next words.

You are singular,
but always twinned in my dimension.
-----
You are writing some lovely stuff at present Moon, like effortless doodles. I keep thinking you must be shaping up a block-buster in the background and can't wait to be blown away.

If you are open to suggestions, I would replace the full-stop in Line 1 with a colon and drop the "but" from the second line.

Less important, but twinkle seems to go with the star better than the grains so maybe put a full stop after grains and a comma after twinkle.

Last but not least, how are you?

A

8:48 AM  
Blogger Pris said...

I like this very much!

2:57 PM  
Blogger burning moon said...

The unnamed colours
in the aura of the moon

what a beautiful line! Thank you.
I'm fine, but buried under the mountain of my most important essay this year which is due in on Friday, so it will be a very intense week for me.
Thanks for the suggestions too.

Hi Pris, it's always good to see you are feeling well enough to pop in here.

8:56 PM  
Blogger johnee said...

i don't understand the however
in the last line. i read
this the other day, and have
come back today and still feel
the same way.distance would usually
make someone apt to feel singular,
but however right there
sets up a split or a tension
which is, logically -
amd even emotionally -
not quite right

other than that word/line
i really like this poem

j.

6:28 AM  
Blogger burning moon said...

Thanks john e. I meant that the moon is singular even though it is so distant and lonesome.

So would rather be individual even if it means being far away and all alone.
Is that how you read it?

2:20 PM  

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